Well, here we are. Late November of 2019. The season is over. Kyle Busch is the champion. And not one of you gave Paul Menard a retirement gift.
We all knew he was retiring but none of you could be bothered. You couldn’t get him something he would really like. I assume such items would be geodes, chainsaw bears, the Metallica box set, or a Shake Weight. All affordable, but no, you spurned our dear Paul.
Remember all the stuff you all threw at Jeff Gordon? I MEAN SURE, four-time champion and all but I guarantee you that half that stuff is stowed away in some Vallejo, California storage unit and he probably re-gifted the other stuff. When Tony Stewart retired you bet your sweet patoot that Jeff Gordon grabbed something out of there and tried to figure out how to etch a 2 into a 1 and pass it off as brand new.
It’s the least Paul Menard deserved. Paul set the example that all young drivers should follow, in both character and facial hair. Did you ever hear Paul Menard utter a bad word about anyone? No, you did not. That’s because Paul doesn’t utter words at all, but that’s not the point here.
The man deserves a retirement gift worthy of his stature. One he’ll never forget and cherish forever.
That’s where I come in.
As does Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray. See the video below.
Happy retirement, Paul Menard. When it’s over, that’s the time you’re in my heart again.
And when you go go go go, I know, it never ends, it never ends.
Your biggest fan,
NASCARGASM (As Mark McGrath pronounces it. Close enough.)